I thought I would share the inspirations of my life.
They keep me going, even when the pain is knocking me down.
These animals all have healing presence. No matter how shitty the day, you spend some time, and their spirit wears off on you.
When you're sick, you're limited in more than just mobility. When you get on that horse, though, you don't feel limited at ALL. When we run, he carries me smoothly around the arena, it's almost as though he is my legs for me. He also doesn't judge. When you look at a horse, the horse doesn't just look back, he looks through you.
Horses really are the most majestic of animals.
And above all, they have such personalities. :)
Here is a photo or few... of the main focus of my life (along with my ratties, of course)

And Jazzzzy boy. Tons and Tons.

This one here, he was in English gear. I think he felt kind of embarrassed by his looks.

All of the posed 'Jazz' photos were done by a friend at the barn who owns Moments In Time Digital Photography. 

This is our little barn Kitty. He's kind of become a mascot of sorts.

Mika and Mokey <3

and of course, Taz and Shep

I am back online.... And lots to say.

In this article Santorum states that "People have no problem paying $900 for an iPad,...but paying $900 for a  drug they have a problem with - it keeps you alive. Why? Because you've been conditioned to think health care is something you can get without having to pay for it."
The fact that Santorum is able to make such a statement really shows the disparity between the 1% and the 99% to steal a saying from the Occupy....everywhere...crowd..

Not very many people are able to own an ipad, and frankly, those of us who are sick, would deserve an ipad for our suffering. The fact is that - just in case his he's never had to actually purchase his son's prescriptions- they are monthly...not a singular payment. Moreover, just in case he missed it, an ipad is not necessary to survival, whereas our medications are. You would think there'd be a little empathy since he is the father of a sick child.

He is in a great position, all considered. He won’t have to see his son die inside everyday, his dreams slip away and freedom limited.
It is a lonely journey, and a terrifying one. I always assumed I would make a life for myself, meet someone and not rely on them to survive. I wanted to be able to have a partnership…now I don’t know if I will ever have someone to just hold me on those bad days, confide in, and someone to confide in me, and someone who wouldn’t use my past and my illness to make me feel worthless. I don’t care where we ended up, just so long as we had each other to lean on. Maybe that’s another dream I need to wake up from. A lot of people I was once friends with, walked away long ago, and those I still have in my life are all so very far away, and soon, one of them will be across the world. I am terrified I will end up doomed to be here, unable to live, while I watch everyone fall in love, have a career and a family....
I digress, as usual, the past couple days have been rough.

It is said that 1in5 people have chronic pain in North America.
That is a lot of medications.
One can argue that it would decrease pressure on our penal system, and even may lead to less prescriptions being sold on the street, and even more than that, it could lead to a decrease of robberies and fraud for prescriptions, if the cost was lower and accessible to all that need their medications.
When I was in Peterborough, I was warned that the highest motive for violence, robberies, and so forth, in my area, was to acquire and sell prescription medications. At that time (about three years ago now) it was a major problem.
I knew of people who were selling their prescriptions solely that they could afford them again, next month. They’re not selling the entire script; obviously, they take a few off to the side on what would be called a “good pain day”
No one denies it is wrong, but human nature is strong, and so is the urge to survive.

I know many taxpayers are worried that to implement this, it would mean raising taxes. I am sure that with the initial shock, they’d rise, but once the benefits take place, they'd be able to lower them again (though I am sure they will just find some excuse to keep them at a higher rate) but the benefit is undeniable.
Not to mention, a healthy employee puts less stress on the cost of Workplace insurance.  Same way some companies are paying to get their employees to stop smoking, or to pay for them to lose weight. A healthy employee puts less strain on the workplace insurance, as well as less reasons to be absent so often.

Further, the benefit from more accessible medications and treatments would lead to less stress on the state-funded assistance programs.

There is the consideration, that once we are older, we will be an even harsher burden on the taxpayers and on the hospitals. If things don’t change, a majority of us will end up not being able to pay into a retirement fund,  or a disability fund, or even savings…
Moreover, if we were unable to pay for our medications, on top of being unable to pay into our Retirement funds, or saving accounts, etc…we would be susceptible to illnesses that come with old age, especially Arthritis.  It’s simple: the more we earn and are able to retain, less help from the gov’t would be needed.


however, if it were to happen, the lean on Medicare and social assistance would ease.  It would actually end up costing less in the long run to offer assistance (for those that need it, and even universally) for medications that help people manage their illness. This would free up paramedics, ER wait times, ER workers, as well as the costs for treating them. It would also free up the patient to pay for the rest of the treatments such as (obviously medications, but also) physiotherapy or rehab, and a psychologist/psychiatrist, as well as the ability to go to a pain clinic and take part in their program. Treating chronic illness is- as they love to say- a three pronged-approach. All of those services are NECESSARY to proper management, and to have a chance at all, for improvement. All are necessary if you want us to be able to be productive.
Further, it would allow those of us who need maintenance medications the rest of our lives just to be able to go through a simple night without screaming, let alone a day at work. Even if it doesn't allow us to be as productive as a healthy person, we would be forced to work shorter hours, etc... but we would still be able to work, probably still need financial aid through a disability program, but either  either way, there will be less people relying SOLELY on such assistance. 

 

Being sick is expensive: Being sick from a young age is almost impossible. 

 It is not easy for us: We don't choose to sit on our asses, we don 't choose to be on these medications, and to endure the side effects...We just want to be happy. Find someone who can love us despite our illness, rather than can't stand us only due to our illness... Anyway, the financial burden put on the economy is tremendous.
Just as a way to look at things:
The general medications used to treat chronic pain, (This is just a rough take on what my meds were at their LOWEST)  is a course of a medication called Gabapentin, (also Lyrica) (anti-seizure meds but what it does is calm the neural pathways), as well as painkillers, anti-inflammatories, sleep/anxiety meds...and so much more. But that was what a lot of people are started on, at least. The total cost is approx 1,300 (that's for one of each, which if you're lucky that's all you'll need, but that is not often what it is left at). On top of that, there is topical treatments, nerve blocks/injections, cortisone shots, and general care. If I had to pay for everything except the medications, I would be able to afford my own housing, rather than relying on my parents, and I would be able to afford food. That would be enough to at least get me started on an independent life, and the rest I could pay for after getting a job. Yes, I would be limited to part time, at least until my condition is better managed. .
If that were possible, I would be putting funds into the economy, be contributing to the workforce and society, be proud that I am a member of society rather than being ashamed I am wasting away on my parent's dime unable to drive due to black outs, and therefore unable to get into town to work. If I lived in town, I could use transit.
I think I will end it there, and post my rant about Canada’s health care responsibility later, because though it was sparked by this, I ended up writing my story, which will take up about 3 pages.

Thank you for listening. I will probably end up posting my rant on Canada vs America: Health Care Edition…
I ended up just writing what happened to me, and some comparisons, as well as the comments shared with me when talking to people in North America, and the UK suffering from Chronic Pain.  Ok, that’s it for this one, at least.
Ciao.

Ps. Sorry if there's some repetition, I edited it as best I could at 5 in the morning (I started writing at 1, and this is just the copy I am ok with, not happy, but acceptable. Also, this isn't aimed at Canada OR America, rather the both of them.)

Obviously this is a personal rant. I am going off of experiences of my own, and others I know; but that is in no way speaking for all ill,
<:3}-}~~~~~

Oy Vey, the holidays!

It's been a long time since I last updated. Things have been rough. You know, I used to hear people say they're cursed, and all I can think is that they were just being dramatic. Now I am beginning to reconsider.
With everything I have been through, I still hate to think that it should define me, but it's beginning to seem like maybe this was just it.
This past month has revolved around the new issue with my stomach. Apparently the files aren't transferable between offices for whatever reason, so they wanted to do another procedure/biopsy. Well, it didn't go well at all. And they never mention that if you end up vomiting you should go to emerge. This is a normal part of my day these days, so I assumed it was 'normal'.
If you've ever had an endoscopy or colonoscopy done, you know the icky stuff you have to take. Well, it ended up backfiring. I spent the two days hurled over a can. Although the first time was outside. Thank you very much....Hence why I haven't been riding in a while. The day of the big Christmas Horse Show I went head first down the ditch after jumping from the car to avoid vomiting in the car. The car was saved. I however was not. Hmph. Even when I would take the gravol I would throw it up too. That carried over to my everyday pain meds, and even water. So my pain went through the roof, and I was dehydrated. Needless to say, it was a shitty way to spend the holidays.
I ended up going in at 2 for my procedure, and woke up to the news it was all for nothing. I proceeded to humiliate myself to the doctor. He's been especially supportive about all the chronic pain stuff and after he has been so kind telling me not to give up and all that, my other doc has been telling me the very opposite. And the thought of having wasted all this time and energy with another doc who wants to wash his hands of me, and blame me along the way, you start to think maybe it is you. Maybe you are just too damaged. Maybe this is the best you'll ever have. The thought of 'that has made me question a lot of choices I made. The most recent was regretting the failed attempt I made a couple years ago to end things. You are surprised how much your body can take.
I know I was just especially upset thinking that way, but after the last year, it's hard to really think anything else. I got off of a whole load of medications other docs had put me on, that had me too sedated to know what the hell day it was, let alone anything of any intellectual was a hopeless pursuit.
All so I can just be aware for my doctor to suddenly decide now that he won't even look into other options. Let alone start at the base such as actually being properly diagnosed.
He says I am the one putting up road blocks because I won't just sit down and..."accept that this is it. Stop trying to find a way around the rock. Stop looking ahead (which includes even simply setting goals financially etc...). " And so forth. He loves to refer to his damn rock in the road analogy. Hmph.
Anyway.... I go back to that...doctor....in January. I am finding tho, that a doctor who tends to specialize in terminal care, should not be in charge of care of someone who isn't considered terminal because chronic pain drags the suffering out. It tends to put our care on the back burner.
This is getting insane.
Anyway, yes, I ended up breaking down as I was coming out of the anesthetic.
My internalist so kindly wrote a prescription for an anti-depressant...
I was a little embarassed about that.
I think a lot of that was a) Exhaustion and, b) the PTSD.  The past has been rather rough involving doctors and operations. Waking up in that damn room felt just like I was back 11 years ago. Mid-scream due to the method they used administering the anesthetic during the surgery. The pain was intense and the night terrors I have coming out of sedation on normal days, are bad enough, let alone the pain and the memory of the past.
I hope he understands. But it is hard to live that down. Have I really screwed up the only positive experience with a doctor I have had.
And just to top it off, this is what I ended up saying to him: Why can't you be my pain doctor, as well. You're the only one who seems to think there's any hope for an end.


Ya....Great.
Anyway, my stomach is going yet again, so off to get a gingerale or camomile tea...though that's a story for another day: Christmas eve losing your water for two days. And now we're stuck using bottled water until we get it tested. The piping we had actually had rotted right thru. So, the water turned brown, and the pump broke trying to push all the water through a pipe that had the water gushing out of a whole not reaching the house!
I think it would have been better if we lost hydro instead! (And yes, I am speaking from experience. A snow storm knocked our power out for a loooong time. Just under 48 hours.)
Anyway, that was my holiday.
My brother did join us with his other, for a couple days, and it was a nice visit. It wasn't always so smooth, when he came up so there was a lot of anxiety over the whole thing.  It was nice having the family together. Though it is rather hard to hear how even he's moving on. I thought I would have been the one to have at least a diploma..now I am the one living in my parents house completely unable to do anything for myself. This is horrible for someone who swore they'd be on their own by 18. Moving on. I thrived off of the pressure of school and now I can hardly stand reading for longer than a half hour without throwing up or developing a migraine. I lived off of books, living thru their adventures, reading all that I was supposed to experience. And here I am...What a friggin pathetic waste of four years. I am behind where I was five years ago.


Ok. I am really off to try and get some rest before riding. Ciao.

So, obviously the last post was regarding one of the worst appts I have had in a long, long time. Today, however, went a lot better than I was expecting.
:)
So about a month ago, I had another negative appt with my psychologist/ pain specialist-ish and that appt (esp when factored into the past as well) so I contacted the office of a psychologist (I believe) who specializes in pain management.

-However, she's simply the "therapy/coping mechanisms" side of what they call the "three pronged approach " to treating/managing pain. 1-Medications 2-therapy/emotional support 3-rehab/research part of it...
(Sorry, meds are kicking in, so I am a little redundant/inarticulate)

So in Sept I investigated some psychologists in the Barrie area, and the woman with whom I had my apt, today, was WONDERFUL!
We only had an hour, but we covered a lot. One thing I like about this situation is the fact she doesn't have my prior records -[or in this case, a summart of my records and treatments....beginning after the GP cut me open, too...gee that's not obvious he's aware of what he had done].
The worst part was that he had his nurse take my mom to the back room to 'talk' and all the while my mom keeps insisting he look at the ultrasound before doing anything because to find the object they did it on an angle, so whomever was to operate would compensate for it.

...ok, getting distracted...back on to the topic: seeing a new psychologist, and it's a fresh start for her to get to know ME through our sessions and not through others' interpretations.  

So the doctor I met today was a great psychologist. She reminds me of the one I had in Peterborough who helped a lot.

When I told her[new psych) why/what I was hoping to get out of this, and after this whole psychiatrist dude telling me to give up/ give in/ or to accept the pain and accept that this is going to forever, and then not even be willing to look into a different medication, or therapy, anything, and yet, that's what we had discussed when I had done my withdrawal from a lot of medications to get to the  bare min, and part-2 of my treatment was to try and get me to a point where I can be self sufficient or at least help out with costs, not to mention I don't have much experience on my resume beyond volunteering and committees I was on.  I have no credit...I am nothing, and the longer it stays that way, the harder it will be to even get the most basic of a job

-side explanation: his is another reason I told her I needed her to help me work through, and she jumped right on it!! I talked about wanting to get back into classes and school around here (I don't know if I can return to Peterborough, as much as I miss it.)

So, when I was talking about it[schooling], she encouraged me, and at the end my dad asked casually,"do you think you can help her?" And she responded so positively and said she'd definitely be able to get me set up in school if I wanted to go back, and she can help me learn about what credits are transferable and everything. I am trying so hard not to get my hopes up, but she really was a very kind and encouraging doctor. I am happy I found someone who is willing to believe in me, rather than telling me to just sit there and accept it.
Not to mention, she bought up the idea of injections/?  Something No one's been willing to truly investigate this treatment...but yea, I am definitely eager to return to school, get a job...I can't live off my parents forever

-Which is another thing Psychiatrist said when I said that to him...: well, you have a lot of time to worry about that, but you're not there yet. Live day by day. You can't live in the future...Once I do this, I am closer to "accepting" the pain...oy. And yet first, he said he couldn't help me until I go into the' real world' (ie. a job, school) and yet I had an office job, that was still fresh on my mind, (it disbanded so I was let off) and since then,yea, I haven't held down a job, but that's because I was drugged out of my mind, and depressed, and well, everything was against it. 
We were facing losing the horse, so I took a job at the barn, two days are now down to one. And after work, I crash. I have been crashing at work too. This is ridiculous. Even when I do sleep I am exhausted, and when I don't -which is the majority-I am exhausted as well, and yet, at night I am back to no sleeping. But hopefully that's temporary.


Well, thought I would share the good news for once, (again, trying not to be too excited by she was just so awesome naming off all of this information I have been trying to figure out). I am really hoping this works out. :)
Off to sketch for a friend's xmas cards. (she's getting me to draw her two horses with merry xmas on the card then she'll copy it and give them out. Ahhh! Another customer! :)
Off to bed I go.
Ciao.

What next...really....I can't stand this anymore!!!
Ps. my phone broke today, so I have no cell phone until the earliest: Sat/Sun. Fuck. EVERYTHING just has to happen at once, right? And in threes. Or tens....Hmph. Gunna crawl back to bed and never get out
Good bye.

scared...Is this really it?

A little while ago, I started riding (horseback) again. It had been years, but I always felt better when I ride, and remembered that, and tried again. There's a lot of things that I can't do but I try, and Jazz is the best friend a girl could ask for. He doesn't judge me or my limitations, infact, he challenges me and makes me really focus. I soon found out that someone there had chronic pain issues of her own. She was sympathetic to our situation (we almost lost the horse because of all the medical bills) and offered me the chance to work off his board. I started Oct 3 and it's only 2x/wk, and I am dying. The pain is so excruciating I just want to die. But I already had to give up my education and independence due to my health and at the time, improper care leading to more issues..  I have already been turned down due to my illness, and now I am living in the middle of nowhere with no transportation cause I can't afford anything. I worked pt  in an office for a while, and couldn't even handle three days/wk So my options are to work for someone who understands the limits I have and how it will take me longer to complete than "normal" people, but low pay and physical labor, or a job that has me in a chair for 8 hours, a more rigid schedule, and out of luck for all the time off I need for apts, but better pay. There's one dream I have, and that's to go to New York and boston. I have been to Boston, but not NYC. I can't explain it, but it makes me cry to think I won't get to go. I have tonnes of books and maps and general merchandise, you'd think my place was in NYC. On top of that, I memorized the whole damn city! Even staring out the cams on the tourist website. The wost part, I can't even get proper help anymore because my pain doc passed me over to a psychiatrist who is less than capable, let alone someone who supports you...more like tears you down. It's pathetic. Then he goes on to say what else can he do? He doesn't know what's out there, doesn't know of anything at all, and doesn't think I should focus on that anyway. I have to accept that this is it. And I won't be able to work, never have a family (that one is courtesy of my physician of old), always be dependent, and never be short of this pain, and it'll only get worse. But looking for help means I haven't accepted my place and it means I haven't come to terms with this.  This analogy was then used: Pretend you're on a walkway and there's this large rock in the way...you can't move it, get around it, and it's far too dense to chis;e it away. You have to accept it, by laying down beside it, and accepting this is as far as you go.... Like, WOW?!?!?!?!?! When I was first passed over to him, I spoke to him about the fact that there are some medication combinations that worked when I was younger, only I was too young and the side effects were too much, but now that I am older, I would like to look into therapies, or anything that could help, but the first priority is getting out of the medicated coma. So, it takes a year, and we're there. I went from handfuls throughout the day, to a few here and there. But now that I am there, he drops me. Ugh...whyyyyyyyy??!!!! Off for more searching. I am just getting so tired. I don't know if it's worth it anymore. My parents are killing themselves to help me. I have always stayed strong for them, but I don't know how much more I have in me.
I live in the middle of nowhere, not a lot of friends...ok, I have 3....none of which reside close by. the only fam I have is my parents, and my distant brother, and a grandma. I don't know what I can do to not let them down. I want to finish my degree, but I am terrified to go back to the university I left for some other traumatic reasons. Everywhere I look I see flashes of what happened. But I miss it, too. Now, I can't get out of bed. I can't lose jazz, though, and I need money to live on. I don't even get any help through disability. What can I do?! Why is this it...it can't be all there is.  how do others deal with not being able to work...especially if you've been sick since you were 9 and therefore have NO assets. No money. I barely have a resume. Incomplete education, and I am sick. I have NO credit...I literally have nothing. If my parents disappeared, I would be out on the street. And recently a scare had us worrying about these things. What Now?!?!:(
<:3}-}~~~~~

You know, I came to terms with the fact that I will likely be alone/ have no family (or at the very least if I can find someone who can tolerate all my illness issues, the ability to have kids has been taken from my thanks to the medications and over-medicated way I was treated when I was young (and still developing), I will struggle to survive, and that was when I thought I had a doctor willing to try and help me to make it. Now...now things are different. Today was a wake-up call.
I get in there and he asks how I am doing. So for once, I was honest. I told him straight up that things have been getting worse.
The first battle was to clean my body out of all the drugs that Josephson had put me on. Get down to the bare min and at that point, decide whether maybe one of the ones I was on made a good combo, or look into something new, or up a level just a bit, until we do figure things out, but he just sat there. He won't even look at increasing a single med, even my breakthrough stuff that no longer has the effect it once did. So basically I wanted to ask him for the ability to take 6 instead of 4/day incase I am having a really bad time like at work.
He stood there and said that there was nothing he could do for me until I accepted things/ stop fighting. So I did. I accepted thing. I accepted that this is my life. That I don't even have the chance to live a life before I lose it. I accept that my ex-doc has fucked me over. And that the medical system is run by human beings and their opinions, more than tangible proof. When a hard case comes up, most would run than take it because we don't have a competitive system here in canada.
I didn't actually come here to talk about politics.
I guess I just need to vent. I am used to doctors being assholes and actively not wanting to get involved, but not one who actually believes there is nothing he can do when he is simply unwilling.
Apologies in advance if this is a bit scattered. I am tired and defeated.
Basically, when I broke free of *he-who-should-never-have-been-licensed* (DrJ for short), I thought it was the beginning of this journey all over again. I was sent to MtSinai, where I had heard amazing things. Doctors who would go the extra mile for their patients. It was the first time I had ever gone into a treatment with hope.  Of course, I clarified that I didn't have any expectations that he could heal me, or anything, just that this was the beginning of proper treatment. The pain doc wanted me to see a psychiatrist friend of his to tackle the mental and emotional aspects of chronic pain, as well as coping mechanisms, etc., but he assured me he would not ever just abandon me, or let me 'fall through the cracks, again'.
Well, yet again, a doctor was full of shit.
After a short while of being under the psychiatrist's (drK) care, I find out via him, that the doc is thinking of retiring/has already retired.  I didn't get so much as an email. I found out because I couldn't seem to get an apt all of the sudden.
So, now this DrK is my pain doc. The plan was to get my system as clear as possible from all the extra meds I was on thanks to drJ.
The deal was, I would go through all that withdrawal, start over, and he would be willing to look into either meds I had been on that posed potential to help, or to talk about new stuff, or upping a dose of something or ANYTHING.
Today was that day I asked him about doing so.
He said that he doesn't think meds will do anything (um, despite all evidence, apparently) and says there's nothing he can do. He's helpless. At that point I just looked at him and said, no. You can choose to discuss these things, or point me to specialists who will, or spend an hour apt jointly looking into things like meds or what ever, but you are not helpless.
He believes that all that's left for me to do (that apparently I am unwilling to do) is to give up. Stop fighting. Stop working, everything.
I said that this is not happening. I have had to fight with all my strength to NOT give up, if I give up where does that leave me?
I told him, I have tried accepting things. Infact, I do accept things. I accept that the pain is with me to stay, and that life will never be easy. I have even accepted that I am too much of a burden for most to be friends with me...my own family has made that clear (aunts/uncles/ not parents). I have accepted that this has been a MAJOR factor in the relationships I have had fall apart (includ friendships). It's also led me to be too blind, and unable to notice or return a gesture for someone I cared about dearly, and who had made a gesture unmatched by any... for that I am still sorry...And that I will not live a life even slightly close to the most basic wishes I once had.
It's frustrating. If he was saying this to me after the ten years of this illness, only let's say I was 30 when I got sick, then I would be able to say sure. I will stop fighting this and just take EI, and disability leave, and get some help with tax breaks, etc... Not to mention I would have credit, and be able to own a car or rent, w/e. It's not easy to be sick when you're older, but not even including the fact you'd have already lived a great deal of life, and accomplished things, possibly even have a family, or at least have a chance! All of that would make it possible to live a modest lifestyle probably still be on welfare and food banks, etc... but at least I would have SOMETHING to my name, and qualify for help.
He wants me to just sit down and see what happens. Not think about the future.
I said he couldn't be serious, if I live with my head in the sand and don't prepare, than at any moment, I could be out out on my ass.
how is this man a psychiatrist esp dealing with people who already are fragile and close to giving up.
I made it clear why I am fighting and what it would mean if this is it, and he just shrugged it off. I was honest with him about something I have never been honest about with anyone-even myself- and he talks right past it.

When I was in Uni, and my doc had screwed me over so I was three days in withdrawal, and on top of that I kept trying to cater to the person at that time I was dating (the asshole friend of my bro) for whom NOTHING was good enough (I oganized a surprise New-year's eve/ birthday get together with his friends staying at my apt (which if you know me, you know I a)don't trust strangers, and don't trust men, and esp strange men...) I didn't get so much as a thank you. All of that had wiped me out, but noooo, instead of him helping me clean up or even offer to help take care of dinner, I had to slave over him. We get to bed an hour late and he's yelling at me about the fact he won't get his full 9hours of sleep. (Bitching to someone who hasn't slept more than 5hours in one night, not even split up, in over ten years). That night, the pain, and then my emotions were too much, I just wanted it all to stop. So I od'd on ty1s as that was the only painkiller I could get until they refilled my script. I didn't mean to od. I was just taking them more, one more, one more, one more, because I was so desperate for the pain to stop, and the way I had been treated it led me to believe it was a rational decision.
Anyway, that's what I was honest with him about today, and about the fact that lately I have regretted surviving. I am way too chicken shit to ever try something like that again after what happened (it was SOOOO opposite to what TV and movies have you believe--not that I thought it would be like it is on the tube, either, but I def didn't see it being THAT bad. I wondered why I was so drawn to dangerous things (like wandering at 3am in the rough side of town on my own) etc... and honestly, the reason is, I was hoping with all this random acts of violence, maybe someone would end it for me. I know how that sounds, believe me, but that's hoe messed up I am right now. I feel so utterly ashamed for thinking any of these thoughts, but right now, I don't know if I can keep doing this on my own.

So, that was the apt. At the end I asked him if he'd be willing to get me a new pain doc, and I am not clear on if he is or not. He wants to send me to a neurologist but if things aren't going to change including if he isn't willing to give me any leeway with my breakthrough pain meds, then I won't be able to keep working, so what's the point? 

I was the most anxious person I knew who wanted to move out and get my degree and live life...the moment I was done High school I jumped out to Uni ASAP. I saw that each year things were getting worse, but I hoped at least I could get my degree before my illness slowed me down, and the worst part, if Dr J hadn't actively neglected my health, I could have! He ruined two years, and all I had left was two years. ... 

Anyway, as I was saying, I am hopefully going to get a new pain doc and start this all over again. I just might have to give up everything else I have to do so. 

g'night.

I have been doing some reading up and some organizing on what and how I want to talk about things, but in t he meantime, there is new legislation in Ontario that actually, I experienced yesterday. Check out this news report. I am going to do more research into the legislation, but for now, here's the report introducing it...

ahoy hoy

It has been forever since updating. That's mostly due to a series of shitty events in the past year. I am not sure how much I have left in me to fight all of this, but I figured there was something I have wanted to do now for a while, and what better way than do it through blogging. I want to go over the events of this epic health tale and I guess, just, really look into things.
I guess for now I will just update the most recent issues.
One of the most common issues I have had with my doctors is this general assumption that the reason I am at home is ignored, they simply look at it as "well, we can't do anything till you're out in the real world" which is what I had to leave because when I was in it, they refused to help as well. Now I am a mere lazy patient not motivated enough to get out there. I finally decided that I would try to work and in return maybe that will leave my doc more inclined to help. Unfortunately the pain is skyrocketing more than I have it in me to tolerate. I don't know what to do... Do I keep fighting? What's the bloody point. It's not like I am 30 and have an established base line of living, and a pension and had a life... I have nothing to my name. Not a single cent. What happens when my parents can't support me anynore (not that I ever want it to get to that point...
Anyway, Other than that, I guess I can add yet another failed relationship to my list of accomplishments. I sure know how to pick them. God. Oh well.
Just as I seem to be unhirable because I am sick, I apparently am undatable, as well. As soon as they see what it's really like, they run for the hills, after treating me like shit.
So, for now it looks like I am attempting to work two days a week in a rather demanding physical job. I get to take care of the two front barns at my place I ride.
Well, I think this wraps up the intro to the history of my struggle with chronic pain. It may help, it may not, but I am doing this for me. If I can show at least one person they're not alone (something that was severely lacking in my story) then it is all worth it.

Hope

I just returned from an apointment with a doctor for my stomach ailments. And yet, he in one apointment has given me more hope about my illness including the chronic pain, than my pain specialist/ PSYCHIATRIST! My theory: He based his opinion on our meeting. Not He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Licensed's notes, and the pain clinics "opinion" (which was almost entirely incorrect with my medical hist) and he just talked to me about the history and the curremt. I could be off, but so far him and my psychologist in Peterborough (who also never had the notes from HWSNBL's office until later) and this doctor have actually approached my treatment with any compassion and willingness to help.
He told me not to give up, and that there is hope. That searching for help is a good thing (all opposite to my pain doc). I just wanted to hug the man. This is the most hopeful I have felt in decades.
People, keep your compassion and never get cynical enough that you harm the ones you care about. Even if it's the last thing you feel will happen, keep hope that there is light at the end of this very very long tunnel. You could make someone's day with just a little kindness.
Anyway, finally something is going to get done. I will go for a catscan and a few tests, and hopefully that will yield some results and answers.
It does look like I have a diagnosis of Crohns disease. Damn.
well, I am going to lay down, and elevate my leg. Boo. But I shall return.
-Sam